tales of a broken leg - todays' sad gifts

today I'm sad... and I feel I can come out of this, but somehow I do not want.
beeing in the store and buying cat food, taxi waiting outside. I was feeling just sad. Then I come out, I try to cross the street, back-pack on one shoulder, crouches in my hands, the plastic bag with cat food balancing around one crouch. I try to cross the street - get to my taxi (aware of the stairing around, the man outside the store, the taxi driver, the people passing). COld and rainy and cloudy and why do I have abroken leg, why can I not just cross the street.. The plastic bag breaks in the street after I start crossing, box and can roll to the sideway I just left from. As I balance myself with crouches in my hands, trying to colect the things from the street, a bus comes. It stops near me, waiting for me to finish the ridiculous show. I get the stuff and hop back to the sideway. As I wait the bus to pass, holding the cat food with one hand and both crouches with the other one, my backpack starts sliding from the shoulder. Another series of balance recalibrations starts, as I jogle with 2 cat food boxes, 2 crouches, one backpack and one foot in the air. Then I start again the street crossing adventure. As I hop in one leg in balance, I suddenly become aware of all the eyes on me and of the fact that from all the spectators, none even showed a sign of intending to help. I get to the taxi, go home and feel so vulnarable, so sad, so lonely, so worthless ...
And yet I know I could have called a friend for help and I would have got help. I can chose to not be sad and become not-sad ... so why do I cling to my sadness and my independance?

broken leg's story

no complains - would be nasty to complain .. or look weak in the eyes of friends - so no tear, no sorrow, just jokes about the broken legs.
The snow was great, weather on the slope was sunny and the air full of joy. Having fun with old friends, making new ones, loving ski and beeing so good at it after just one season. The world is mine. And at the last lap on the last day of an April wknd- here it comes: falling in the heavy snow with the ski under it, with the boot a bit too loose and hearing the crack in my leg (in akind of a funy way - like the leg is not mine but merely skiing equipment). I feel occured to scream for help - how could I do that?! It's kind of stupid - but still - here I go - call the man on the tele-ski. He happens to be a doctor from the mountain rescue team (any way - only them and us on the slope that day). He feel my leg for open fractures and calls for help. The other guy carries me in his back for 2 km of slope. I can not stop laughing - it all seemed so funny then. Almost like a good joke - how could the leg be broken? It must be a small injury. And after laughing some more at the mounteneers chalet and listening to their jokes, here I go - 6 hours drive to bucharest to the emergency hospital ("just to check, to sleep well"). And then - the doctor stops laughing (after "did you notice is April - where did you find snow to ski") and says - "it is broken, need to wear a cast for 1.5 mo". I still feel like launghing ("this is not happening, somehow it will stop and I will go back to my regular life"). And then the reality hits me: pain, walking in coruches, people stairing at my leg, "oh, poor girl" said behind my back, not being able to manage by myslef, no shopping, bath is a complex thing, cleaning is a challenege, climbing and going down stairs is an adventure. Lying to my parents (why make them worry - they can not come to bucharest anyway). Delaying climbing plans (I really wanted to start this in may). Not having support or even a good word from a couple of people I called friends. And then - the good part: learning new balance sense. Searching for strong spots in the space around me to lean on - a new sense of space. Good fitness for my arms. Learning patience - walking when I alwasy run before, and learning to appreciate help from people. Feeling vulnerable but feeling human (I do not need to prove myself all the time and act like a career strong woman). Found a new special friend. Maybe God gave me this opportunity to see life from a different angle.
Hope this whole experience paid for some of my sins, tought me patience and grace and revealed friendship around me. I thank God for skiing, for not a worse fracture (doctors said I was lucky - this type of fracture usualy require a screw) and for giving me the opportunity to learn from a new experience. And for friends.

new interest

I managed to get a full set of new interests: climbing, photo, body butter and new kitchen furniture ... all in 2 months and a broken leg's time ... maybe god gave me time to figure out more about my life while I hop around in crouches.